Hopefully my cats had enough to eat in my absence.
Anyway, sprinkled in with my anecdotes about Thanksgiving are my tips for avoiding gluten when you travel because no one likes to be a party pooper (literally).
1. Use tinfoil, goddamnit!
When you bake anything at anyone else's home, lay down tinfoil on their pans because unless they don't eat gluten, those pans are going to be covered in that shit.
Fortunately, one of my brothers made the turkey this year and I trust his gluten standards as he also eats none of that shit. All I had to do was prep my produce. For my appetizer, while my relatives ate crackers and other non-produce items, I had some kale chips. I've already poster about these.
2. Buy a disposable cutting board.
Knives are normally kosher as far as cross-contamination is concerned, but cutting boards are normally covered with gluten. Go to a Wegmans, Walmart, what-have-you and buy a disposable cutting board. Your intestines will thank you.
My relatives thought I brought this to share. How cute. This salad:
1/2 head purple cabbage
1 granny smith apple
1 cucumber
1 avocado
1 lemon, juiced
I ate the turkey that my brother made and sat down with a serious bowl of salad. BITCHESLOVEPRODUCE.
3. Fuck "gluten-free" products.
For all you motherfuckers out there who actually have celiac disease, I'm sure it pisses you off to no end when bitches are like "Gluten free, more like flavor free herp derp derp derp I'm a fucking tool"
Some "gluten-free" products may not even be gluten-free, unless they are USDA labeled as such. I've never had problems with Trader Joe's brand anything, but...
I just thought that was brilliant. (I didn't make that; thank you reddit!) Anyway, I really feel like gluten-free products are intended for children and people transitioning and having trouble with food cravings. The first six months were hard; I'll give it that. Don't give any fucking tools and excuse to be fucking tools. This was my dessert.
Recipe:
3 bananas
1 tablespoon cocoa powder
1 tablespoon slivered almonds
1/2 tablespoon honey
Mix that shit up.
4. Here are some things you don't need to worry about:
-nonstick pans
-non-flavored coffee
-being a lush and nursing a glass of wine for the entirety of Thanksgiving
-fruit
-Boar's head cold cuts if you're in a pinch
5. Here's some shit you do need to worry about:
-nut butters. Yes, peanut butter, if you decidedly eat that shit, is gluten free, but the knife that your third cousin put in there after making a goddamn sandwich isn't.
-food at restaurants, even if the establishment has a gluten-free menu. I'll post more on this later.
-food from relatives, even if they desperately try to make you some gluten-free food.
6. Here's how to handle every stupid social situation you end up in because you don't give a fuck (DGAF=eat no goddamn gluten).
Well-intentioned-but-uninformed-relative: I made this lovely dessert for you.
You: No thank you. I'm full.
Well-intentioned-but-uninformed-relative: It's gluten free! I made it just for you with my bare hands. Don't make my work for nothing!
You: (In mind: Oh god, she doesn't know shit about cross contamination and I don't want her to know my shit when I find that out! What do I do?)
Thank you so much for accommodating me, but I've gotten sick from the most well-intentioned people, so I'm going to have to pass. I'd really like this time to be about spending time with my family, not my food allergies. How is your food?
Well-intentioned-but-uninformed-relative: But, but, but...
You: Thank you for your understanding.
Yeah, you just took social advice from me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
/bitchesloveproduce
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