i drink the blood of my enemies

AHHSHIT THIS POST ISN'T ABOUT PRODUCE.

Just look up "bone broth" on google, and you'll find a number of articles telling you why bone broth is the shit. It's easy, delicious, and so good for you.

I've personally noticed that when I drink bone broth, my DH is way better (DH stands for dermatitis herpitiformis, an autoimmune disorder related to celiac disease in which your skin gets all fucked up).

I went to my local grocer, and I buy bones. You can also use leftover bones from animals you've eaten and make bone broth from that too. These bones were specifically intended to make bone broth. It should be really cheap.

Put the bones in a pot, and cover with water. Boil it for about an hour. Add salt to taste. You can also add fresh herbs, like rosemary or sage, and it will be delicious.

If you're using cooked bones, let's say in the case where you are using the bones from a whole chicken you've cooked, you can only really use the bones once. When you use raw bones, like I did above, you can use them twice because more marrow will come out the second time.

Mineral content varied based on the species of animal and diet of the animal. Organic, grass fed bones will provide better mineral content than conventional cow bones, but it's still good for you even if you're eating conventional animals. 

I think it's kind of interesting how in American society, we're raised to think we should eat chicken soup and eat jello when we're sick. Gelatin was actually a remedy for leaky gut and a number of other illnesses before medicine became an industry of corporate greed. (I swear I'm not opinionated). Interestingly, gelatin is amazing for you, but Cambell's chicken soup certainly is lacking in gelatin, and I haven't even mentioned the shit they put in their products. Make your own damn broth! 

cauliflower "sushi"

I personally have never been a big rice person, even when I was just gluten-free and nothing else. I'm too lazy to spend time cooking it, it has no nutritional value, and I didn't grow up eating it all that much, so I never developed any emotional attachment to it. I'm not trying to bash rice - it's definitely the least evil of all grains (white rice that is, brown rice is trash). 

This is an abomination to actual sushi. Is it authentic in any way, shape, or form? Hell no! Does it taste good? I think so. 

Take some cauliflower and chop it into little pieces. Put this into your food processor or Blend/Tec and pulse it until the cauliflower looks like rice.

Note: If you have a thyroid issue, or if you are used to eating rice, you may want to cook your riced cauliflower by either steaming it in a nut-milk bag lined steamer, or you could put it in the microwave. I like it raw, but I don't normally eat rice, so it may be different for everybody.

Nori is totally gluten-free, soy-free, fish-free, and free of all common allergens. It's also amazingly good for you, especially if you cannot eat fish due to allergies or financial constraints.

Lay down your nori, and put your cauliflower "rice" on top. Then put thin strips of cucumbers, carrots, avocados, pickled ginger, what-have you. Whatever you want to stuff this with.

I was an idiot and didn't go shopping for filling, so this is just cucumber slices and thinly sliced ginger root.

Don't listen to advice from me as to how to actually roll sushi. Listen to this lady. Again, this isn't authentic whatsoever, but it tastes good and it's good for you.

I find that the raw cauliflower "rice" is a pretty good substitute for sticky rice. I use lemon juice for a dipping sauce as I am allergic to soy, so I can't have gluten-free soy sauce. I fucked up when I made this, hence why I don't have a picture of the final product. It wasn't that bad, but I was hungry, so I was just like "Fuck it, it's a fucking burrito."

Peace, love, and seasonal fruit,

/bitchesloveproduce

bitches love dating

BitchesLoveProduce is in a relationship. Whaaaaat? This isn’t on her facebook. Oh my god. She’s in a relationship? Who could she possibly be in a relationship with? Whhhaaaaat? But … they don’t like … touch … in public. Whaaaaat?

Ok, internet, it’s okay for you to know I’m in a relationship. I just don’t think it’s necessary for everyone who likes my pictures of cats occasionally and that I occasionally also like their pictures of cats to be able to know my relationship status simply by checking the internet. That’s kinda weird.

So, remember the multitude of times I’ve stated that cross-contamination is a motherfucker? Well, this is one of the many reasons why. There’s much to say about dating.

If someone doesn’t respect your food choices, back away slowly

Somewhere along the line, people decided it was okay to judge one another on the basis of what food they eat. What you eat is going to have an impact on your health, and some diets are better suited for optimal health than others, but we’re all works in progress, so don’t be judging. That being said, if anyone ever gives you crap about your food choices whom you’re dating, that’s probably a sign that they will be controlling in other aspects of dating.

I had this shitty pathetic excuse for a relationship going on for a while when I was young and naïve and didn’t have self-worth and all that good stuff. This dude seriously thought it was okay for him to criticize the amount of food I ate and my vegan diet. There are ways you can bring up health with someone, but if someone ever judgmentally talks about diet, back away from that controlling bastard whilst slowly whispering “gluten free and not giving a fuck.”

Don’t be that judgmental prick.

Same goes for you. Just because you’re health-conscious doesn’t mean everyone else is ready for it. Some people can eat like crap all their lives and smoke a pack of day and miraculously be somewhat healthy. Not me. Probably not you. Get over it.

Now that that stuff’s out there:

Yelp that shit!

Look up “gluten-free” on yelp and find some restaurants that you can go to that you won’t have to call the manager over to talk about cross contamination because who wants to talk about cross contamination on a date? I don’t, and the person I’m seeing also fucking loves produce and fucking hates gluten.

Do not kiss someone who has been eating gluten or drinking beer

So, there’s someone I know. She has celiac disease. She was at this bar and was fucking trashed out of her mind and this group of euro-trash dudes old enough to be her dad start hitting on her and dancing with her, and one of them kisses her. She’s too drunk to really stop it, which borderline sexual assault at best, but this legitimately happens to a lot of people. Anyway, homegirl wakes up the next day short of breath with the shits. She got glutened from eurotrash-sugar-daddys! What the fuck?

Anyway, make homeboy/homegirl wash his or her mouth out. Eurotrash isn’t worth getting glutened.

Oh, and while I’m at it:

Don’t fucking share drinks! With anyone who eats gluten! Ever!

Leave food at their place … and a cutting board and a pan

If you’re staying over your significant others and you aren’t dating someone who fucking loves produce as much as you do and doesn’t have a gluten-free cutting board, go to IKEA and buy a cheap ass cutting board, knife, and non-stick pan and have homeboy/homegirl keep some shit in the freezer for you. If they want to get laid, they’ll do it.  

Do non-food related things

When I used to get asked out to dinner (you know, because I was getting asked out all the time… not really, but it happened), I would respond with “Thank you for the offer, but feeding me is kinda complicated, so would you like to get a cup of coffee?” Ok, so coffee is still kinda food, but it’s going to be gluten-free at the very least. Wait until then to bring it up. Also, this way you don’t have to awkwardly look at the bill and wonder who’s gonna pay (or am I the only one who thinks about this? Oh god, awkward) and if you want to make out with your date you don’t have to worry about their poison lips.

I’d like to take a moment to apologize to my morally upstanding friends. This blog can be a bit crude. 

breakfast cereal (jk cereal's kinda poison ya'know)

So, this is kind of like cereal. It's sort of sweet, it's brightly colored, I could advertize it as being high in fiber and low in sugar if I felt like selling it. It's not making anyone any money if you eat it, except maybe ten years from now when you don't have as many medical expenses, but that's another can of worms.

I really despise cereal companies, or really any company that sells food product only slightly better than poison to children. Why the hell is it socially acceptable to market a sugar-gluten-artificial-crap-laden-semi-food-product to children using cartoons? Why the hell is it socially acceptable to indoctrinate children into the industry of addictive food items with the pretense that it's "a part of a balanced breakfast"? I digress.

Anyway, this is what I had for breakfast this morning. I made it the night before as I'm not totally a morning person, so it really helps to already have breakfast and lunch made before I even go to sleep.

 

I had like no food left (produce-wise), so I winged this and it turned out delightfully.

 

I ate it sitting in front of my sun lamp because it's fucking cold in Chicago and I need UV light for vitamin D synthesis (and you do too!)

Ingredients:

-1 boneless, skinless chicken thigh
-1 cucumber
-1/3 to 1/2 a mango
-1/4 cup pineapple chunks

Directions:

1. Pan fry your chicken thigh until it is browned on both sides. Chop this into tiny pieces.
2. Chop your cucumber, mango, and pineapple into cubes. Put in a bowl. Mix with chicken.
3. Stick that in the fridge until you are ready to eat it.

bitches hate cross contamination

Hello lovely readers. I have been in Philadelphia for the last couple of days for Thanksgiving and I am here to share how to avoid cross-contamination with you because cross contamination is a motherfucker.

Hopefully my cats had enough to eat in my absence.

Anyway, sprinkled in with my anecdotes about Thanksgiving are my tips for avoiding gluten when you travel because no one likes to be a party pooper (literally).

1. Use tinfoil, goddamnit!

When you bake anything at anyone else's home, lay down tinfoil on their pans because unless they don't eat gluten, those pans are going to be covered in that shit.

Fortunately, one of my brothers made the turkey this year and I trust his gluten standards as he also eats none of that shit. All I had to do was prep my produce. For my appetizer, while my relatives ate crackers and other non-produce items, I had some kale chips. I've already poster about these.

2. Buy a disposable cutting board. 

Knives are normally kosher as far as cross-contamination is concerned, but cutting boards are normally covered with gluten. Go to a Wegmans, Walmart, what-have-you and buy a disposable cutting board. Your intestines will thank you.

My relatives thought I brought this to share. How cute. This salad:

1/2 head purple cabbage
1 granny smith apple
1 cucumber
1 avocado
1 lemon, juiced

I ate the turkey that my brother made and sat down with a serious bowl of salad. BITCHESLOVEPRODUCE.

3. Fuck "gluten-free" products.

For all you motherfuckers out there who actually have celiac disease, I'm sure it pisses you off to no end when bitches are like "Gluten free, more like flavor free herp derp derp derp I'm a fucking tool"

Some "gluten-free" products may not even be gluten-free, unless they are USDA labeled as such. I've never had problems with Trader Joe's brand anything, but...

I just thought that was brilliant. (I didn't make that; thank you reddit!) Anyway, I really feel like gluten-free products are intended for children and people transitioning and having trouble with food cravings. The first six months were hard; I'll give it that. Don't give any fucking tools and excuse to be fucking tools. This was my dessert. 

Recipe:
3 bananas
1 tablespoon cocoa powder
1 tablespoon slivered almonds
1/2 tablespoon honey

Mix that shit up.

4. Here are some things you don't need to worry about:
-nonstick pans 
-non-flavored coffee
-being a lush and nursing a glass of wine for the entirety of Thanksgiving
-fruit
-Boar's head cold cuts if you're in a pinch

5. Here's some shit you do need to worry about:
-nut butters. Yes, peanut butter, if you decidedly eat that shit, is gluten free, but the knife that your third cousin put in there after making a goddamn sandwich isn't.
-food at restaurants, even if the establishment has a gluten-free menu. I'll post more on this later.
-food from relatives, even if they desperately try to make you some gluten-free food.

6. Here's how to handle every stupid social situation you end up in because you don't give a fuck (DGAF=eat no goddamn gluten). 

Well-intentioned-but-uninformed-relative: I made this lovely dessert for you.
You: No thank you. I'm full.
Well-intentioned-but-uninformed-relative: It's gluten free! I made it just for you with my bare hands. Don't make my work for nothing!
You: (In mind: Oh god, she doesn't know shit about cross contamination and I don't want her to know my shit when I find that out! What do I do?)
Thank you so much for accommodating me, but I've gotten sick from the most well-intentioned people, so I'm going to have to pass. I'd really like this time to be about spending time with my family, not my food allergies. How is your food?
Well-intentioned-but-uninformed-relative: But, but, but...
You: Thank you for your understanding. 

Yeah, you just took social advice from me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

/bitchesloveproduce

raw vegan "ice cream" cake sundae

This shit is delicious. It tastes like a fucking sunday but it has no dairy, no eggs, no gluten, no additives or artificial chemicals, and no processed sweeteners.


Add 1/2 cup of dates, 1 oz hazelnuts or other nut/seed, 1 tablespoon raw cocoa and put it through a food processor until it looks like wet sand.

Now layer that shit with a frozen, ripe banana.

EAT.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING BITCHES

cleaning the kitchen out

Hey guys. So I was hungry and chilling in my apartment in Chicago when I realized I had SO MUCH produce in my fridge and I have a flight to Philadelphia tonight, and I do not love wasting produce.

I had 1 head of purple cabbage, one bunch of kale, 1 bunch of swiss chard, 3 cups of spinach, 3 grapefruits, 2 apples, 2 zucchinis and  ... 7 hours until my flight.

For this meal, took the kale, mixed it with a tablespoon of coconut oil and 1/4 tsp garlic salt and put it in the oven at 400 deg F for 15 minutes.

I was feeling kinda lazy, so I just served it with an apple and some chicken. I went to the grocery store, but I saw the long lines and decided that I should just defrost the chicken in my freezer.

I think I'm going to freeze the spinach for smoothies. I'm going to make a salad for my flight because I'm going to be in Midway for hours and eating will take up time. I'm gonna look crazy, but probably not as crazy as I've looked chilling in the Philadelphia airport eating a head of romaine lettuce with my bare hands.

This cat loves kale. Even my cats love produce.

swiss chard guacamole salad

Salad time.

Check out that swiss chard. Bitches love swiss chard.

1. Take a boneless, skinless chicken breast and chop it into bite sized pieces. Stick that shit in a pan with half a teaspoon of coconut oil. Let that shit brown.

2. Take 2 cups of beautiful red swiss chard and chop it finely.

4. Take a zucchini and chop it thinly.

5. Spiralize that granny smith apple.

6. Finely chop a cup of purple cabbage. I fucking love purple cabbage.

7. Scoop out the entirety of an avocado and juice a whole lime into your salad. Add 1/8 tsp garlic salt. Mix that shit up with your bare hands.

8. Mix your chicken in. Enjoy!

Ingredients:

1 boneless skinless chicken breast

1/2 tblsp coconut oil

2 cups red swiss chard

1 granny smith apple

1 zucchini

1 cup purple cabbage

1 avocado

1 lime

Directions:

1. Brown your chicken in a pan with your coconut oil. Chop into bite sized pieces.

2. Finely chop your swiss chard, zucchini, and cabbage. Put in the bowl.

3. Spiralize your granny smith apple.

4. Juice your lime into the salad.

5. Scoop out the flesh of an avocado into that salad. 

6. Add 1/8 tsp garlic salt. Blend with your hands.

7. Add the chicken and this shit is done!

bitches love solubility tables

Let's talk about vitamins. I'm a pretentious asshole apparently, but at least I'm not deficient in everything anymore. You win some, you lose some.

Anyway, I'm here to talk about the importance of solubilizing certain vitamins, most importantly Vitamins A, D, E, and K. There's a lot of myths surrounding these vitamins. I'll talk about mineral chelation in another post.

Vitamin A

When you look at a food label and it lists Vitamin A content, it's actually listing the combination of retinol and beta-carotene. I'm sure you're already aware, but this is very necessary for eye health.

Retinol:

Beta-carotene:

See, these guys aren't the same? Your body can only convert beta-carotene into retinol, the biologically active compound, at an efficiency of 9-22%. That's not particularly high, and that's the rate if you are healthy, which chances are you have at least a slightly compromised digestive tract due to years of grain consumption. 

Essentially, you can eat 8 pounds of carrots a day and still be deficient in vitamin A. Vitamin A deficiency sucks. I've had it. Your color vision gets really fucked up. Don't do it!

Retinol is only found in animal products. It is abundant in egg yolks, organic/grass-fed butter, liver, and fish oil. If you consume the biologically active vitamin A, your body doesn't have to do the work. Do you see a theme here? The less work your body has to do, the better.

Vitamin D

Your body can make this more easily than you can eat it! If you get adequate sunlight, either by going outside or using a happy lamp, you won't really need to supplement. It's not a bad idea to supplement though, especially if you live in a northern climate like I do. I've also heard that even if you take D3, you still need UV-light to convert it into a more biologically active form, so you should still make an effort to get some UV-light. It won't cause skin cancer in moderation. I'll discuss my beef with sunscreens and UV-light scare propaganda in another post. 

You will be depressed if you are deficient in Vitamin D. Trust me. It is way better to have your body synthesize it than to trust a dairy company to enrich their already deficient product (that was actually intended to fatten up a baby cow, not for human consumption ... but I digress)

Vitamin K

There are two forms of Vitamin K, vitamin K1:

And vitamin K2:

These guys are pretty similar actually, and your body can convert vitamin K1 into the biologically active vitamin K2 pretty easily if you are absorbing your vitamin K.

You can get more than enough vitamin K if you eat dark leafy greens with enough fat to solubilize them. So, put some olive oil on your kale salad, etc. That shit's delicious.

Now you have no excuse to be deficient in your fat-soluble vitamins.

Pease, love, and seasonal produce,

/bitchesloveproduce

the importance of ripe fruit

I remember from my days of eating gargantuan amounts of fruit how important it is to eat ripe fruit. If you try to eat 3000 kcals a day from unripe bananas, you're gonna have a bad time.

It's pretty simple actually. You don't eat raw potatoes because they are going to give you stomach problems. Unripe fruit is kind of like a raw potato. Humans weren't really meant to eat much starch. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do not know of any indigenous populations that eat raw starch.

Cooking a potato breaks down some of the starch so your body doesn't have to. Leaving a piece of fruit on a tree allows nature to break down starch so you don't have to. Nature is much better at breaking down starch than you are. Trust me.

This isn't me. This is Kristina Carrillo-Bucaram. She's an awesome resource. I'm not a raw vegan, but I follow a number of raw vegan blogs because:

1. Carbohydrates are not necessarily evil, even if you are hypoglycemic.

2. I don't really handle starch well. I know that a lot of people in the paleo-sphere will claim that sweet potatoes are better for your insulin response than sweet fruit, but I experience the opposite. So long as I don't binge on dates, my blood sugar is fine.

3. Raw vegans come up with the best salad ideas. Are you tired of oil and vinegar salad dressing? Subscribe to this girl's youtube channel and you can get so many ideas for salad dressings.

4. Low fat raw vegan blogs are great because all of the treats in the paleo-sphere are loaded with nuts and seeds and coconut oil, and frankly, I don't process nuts, seeds, or oils all that well. I eat enough fat to solubilize my nutrients and remain satiated, but some people thrive on a lower-fat, higher carbohydrate diet (compared to paleo ... I did not thrive as a low fat raw vegan)

4. You don't have to agree with everything someone else says in order to respect their opinions and utilize the resources they so kindly offer for free on the internet. Just sayin'

Anyway, here is everything you ever needed to know about ripe fruit:

You should note that the importance of eating ripe fruit applies to non-sweet fruits as well. If you're down with nightshades, you really shouldn't be eating green bell peppers because they're not ripe (you can cook the living hell out of them and that helps). This is why I don't eat conventional tomatoes as well. 

shit i never buy organic

Organic produce is expensive and to save money being a produce-lover, I buy conventional for most things, unless there is not much of a price difference between the two.

Anyway, here's some shit I love that I never buy organic for:

Avocados

I fucking love avocados as guacamole, in salads, in dips, in salad dressing, straight up with a spoon, you name it. Due to their thick skin there's no goddamned reason to buy organic. (Unless you're supporting a local farmer or a good business, because then it's totally rad).

Bananas

All bananas are pretty much the same, and I love them. There's no goddamned reason to buy them organic. Every banana is genetically identical, so there's no need to buy organic to avoid GMO's if that's your thing.

I'll agree that some conventional banana companies are total assholes. This post is about health, not ethics.

Cruciferous non-leafy vegetables

I'm talking cauliflower, broccoli, etc. I don't buy these organic because I plan on cooking them anyway, and I think it's more important to buy organic when you're eating them raw. I only eat cauliflower and broccoli cooked because, for whatever reason, they make me sick to my stomach when I don't. I'd say it's due to oxolate content, but I eat kale and cabbage raw like a fucking boss.

Squash

I'm already going to be roasting the shit out of this. Why buy organic? If you eat raw squash, then make your own informed decision.

Low fat animal products

Unless I'm buying a fatty animal product, like fatty meat, or butter if you're down with dairy, or whole eggs, there's no need to buy organic (for health reasons). When you buy organic, you're paying extra to not have chemicals where the chemicals are going to be soluble ... in the fat.

sunday salad: dijon chicken kale-slaw

You really can't love produce without loving salad. Here goes my Sunday salad:

1. Take a chicken thigh and put it in a pan. While your chicken is cooking, chop up 2 cups of kale and put it in your salad bowl. I assume you have a salad bowl because if you don't have a salad bowl, then bitch you don't love produce.

2. Spiralize one cucumber and one zucchini. If you don't have a spiralizer then just slice it up thin.

3. Take two tablespoons of paleo may and mix it with 1 tablespoon of dijon mustard. (I made my paleo may with high oleic sunflower seed oil ... not totally paleo but pretty low in omega-6's). Add this to your salad.

4. Your chicken thigh should be done by now. Chop it into bite sized pieces.

5. Mix and enjoy.

I ate it before I took a picture of it. True gluttony.

fuck the dirty dozen ... foods that actually taste better organic

So, I'm sure anyone who reads this blog has heard about the dirty dozen. If you're reading a goddamned blog about produce, I think that's a safe assumption.

This year's dirty dozen include: apples, celery, sweet bell peppers,  peaches, strawberries, imported nectarines, grapes, spinach, lettuce, cucumbers, blueberries, potatoes.

The clean 15: onion, sweet corn, pineapples, avocado, cabbage, sweet peas, asparagus, mangoes, eggplant, kiwi, cantaloupe, sweet potatoes.

I have some victories and some losses in there. I know that I really should be making an effort to buy the dirty dozen organic, but I'm a fucking hypocrite and I live off a grad student stipend and I have cats, so ... I sometimes buy conventional spinach, apples, lettuce, and blueberries. It's just so much more expensive not to!

Whatever, the point of this post isn't actually about the dirty dozen or the clean 15, but rather, this is a post of anecdotal evidence of what foods simply taste better when you buy organic. I can't cite any sources because this is simply my experience.

Dates

I love dates. The interesting thing about dates is that it is actually pretty difficult to find raw dates in the store. I'm not sure why, but cooked dates (pitted = steamed) give me weird blood sugar issues. I only eat raw, organic dates because they taste so much better.

I buy mine from 7hotdates, an online retailer. I am fond of the Khadrawy variety, but get a sampler! These are so much better than anything you'll get in the grocery store.

Tomatoes

I remember the first time I had a good tomato. I had always hated them, but I'd eat tomato sauce and salsa and shit like that. Anyway, it was my first time hanging out with this dude I really liked, and he walked to his goddamned garden and picked some goddamned tomatoes and was making us this tomato salad and of course I couldn't refuse because I really liked this guy and that would be relationship suicide, right???? (I'll probably make a post about food and dating another time).

Anyway, he brings out his goddamn home grown tomatoes that he made with his bare fucking hands and sits them in front of me and they were fucking delicious. From that point on, I loved tomatoes. The relationship didn't last, but my love of tomatoes and maps did.

Anyway, tomatoes are interesting in that even though their color changes after you pick them, they don't actually ripen. Conventional tomatoes are pretty much just tomatillos, which is great if that's what you want, but that's not what I want. Organic tomatoes taste worlds better. I fucking love organic heirloom tomatoes.

Oranges (all citrus)

Citrus is another fruit that doesn't ripen when it's picked (same with pineapple and a couple other things), and even though it's entirely possible that an organic farmer will pick his or her citrus too soon, it's a lot less likely. This is totally anecdotal, but take my word for it. Organic citrus tasted better than conventional.

Anything in season

This should be obvious, but I'm gonna state it anyway. If you can find local produce, buy it. It's going to taste better and you're supporting your community. DO IT.

This is more important (taste-wise) with fruits than vegetables. I'm from New Jersey, and the blueberries are fucking amazing during the summer. The cucumbers are also worlds better than conventional cucumbers, but you really taste the difference much more with fruits than vegetables.

Eggs

For whatever reason, conventional eggs give me problems, but fortunately organic ones taste better anyway.

Peace, love, and seasonal fruit,
/bitchesloveproduce

saturday salad: pork n pear slaw

So, this is a recipe post. Sort of.

A long time ago, my dad did Atkins to lose a whole bunch of weight, and it worked for a little while, though I think Atkins is pretty terrible. Anyway, he would sometimes go to Chinese restaurants and order this boneless ribs, which I also loved. I don't think I've had them since I was little.

Anyway, I was at the supermarket today and I saw these boneless pork ribs on sale, so I bought them.

My philosophy with sauces is that you can take any dish that has a sauce, especially something like sweet and sour sauce, and make a salad that has all of those same flavors and be just as satisfied. (Note: this is often not true, and I may be lying to myself). It worked this time.

Anyway, here goes the recipe. It's delicious.

1. Chop up your pork ribs into thin slices. Put this in a pan on medium heat and stir it every once in a while. Prepare your vegetables as this is going on.

2. Take this much purple cabbage, and chop it up nicely so it looks like this:

3. Take two handfuls of baby carrots and put them in a food processor (I use a Blend-Tec, but I don't know if you can do this with a normal blender). Chop into fine pieces. Put in your bowl.

4. Take a pear and spiralize it. If you don't have a spiralizer, you should totally get one if you love produce as much as I do, but I'm sure this would be delicious simply sliced thin. 

5. Take this much kale, and chop it up so it looks like this:

6. Add 1 tablespoon of olive oil and 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar.

7. By now, your pork should be browned. Take approximately half a pound of it and chop it up into even smaller pieces. Add it to your salad. Toss everything around until you have a nice mixture.

8. Enjoy! It's very tasty.

Ok, now for the TL;DR recipe:

Ingredients:

-1/2 lb boneless pork ribs, chopped into thin slivers

-1/4 tsp garlic salt

-1/4 tsp cayenne pepper

-1/2 head purple cabbage, sliced thin

-1 cup baby carrots, finely chopped in a food processor

-1 bartlett pear, spiralized

-1 cup kale, finely chopped

-1 tblsp olive oil

-1 tblsp balsamic vinegar

Directions:

1. Put your pork in a pan and add your spices. Let this cook over medium heat while you prep your vegetables.

2. Finely chop your cabbage, carrotts, pear, and kale. Put them in a bowl.

3. Add your olive oil and vinegar.

4. By this point in time, your pork should be browned. Chop 1/2 lb of it into tiny pieces and put in your bowl.

5. Toss your salad. 

Enjoy!

/bitchesloveproduce

nutella protein green drank

It totally doesn't show on the outside because I'm full of estrogen and lots of other good stuff, but I'm a big fan of lifting heavy things and putting them back down again. It's amazing for bone health, and being muscular is never a bad thing.

I really overall don't believe in protein powders. I think anyone can get as much protein as they need without resorting to powder, but I'm really fucking busy sometimes, especially in the morning when all I want is to feel full and awake, but my body needs breakfast to do that. 

Enter ... green drank.

After a bout of the GAPS diet, I've been able to reintroduce organic eggs in my diet. Conventional ones still make me feel shitty for some reason. Whatever. 

This green drank is delicious, it has lots of nutrients and about 20 g of protein, some healthy fats, and just generally has enough food in it for me to call it breakfast. Intermittent fasting is popular in the paleo-sphere, but it doesn't work for me. 

This is a picture of my cabinet. This flavors the green drank and adds a bit of fat, which is actually good.

My freezer. Those bananas are ripe when I freeze them. I'll discuss the importance of ripe fruit in another blog post.

Ingredients:

6 oz pasteurized egg whites (you won't get sick from it!)

1 frozen, very-ripe banana

1/2 oz raw hazelnuts

1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder

2 cups baby spinach

Directions:

Add to the blender in that order. Blend. 

Check out that Blend-Tec.

I've been accused of loving this blend-tec more than I love my cat.

MOTHERFUCKING GREEN DRANK.

/bitchesloveproduce