cauliflower "sushi"

I personally have never been a big rice person, even when I was just gluten-free and nothing else. I'm too lazy to spend time cooking it, it has no nutritional value, and I didn't grow up eating it all that much, so I never developed any emotional attachment to it. I'm not trying to bash rice - it's definitely the least evil of all grains (white rice that is, brown rice is trash). 

This is an abomination to actual sushi. Is it authentic in any way, shape, or form? Hell no! Does it taste good? I think so. 

Take some cauliflower and chop it into little pieces. Put this into your food processor or Blend/Tec and pulse it until the cauliflower looks like rice.

Note: If you have a thyroid issue, or if you are used to eating rice, you may want to cook your riced cauliflower by either steaming it in a nut-milk bag lined steamer, or you could put it in the microwave. I like it raw, but I don't normally eat rice, so it may be different for everybody.

Nori is totally gluten-free, soy-free, fish-free, and free of all common allergens. It's also amazingly good for you, especially if you cannot eat fish due to allergies or financial constraints.

Lay down your nori, and put your cauliflower "rice" on top. Then put thin strips of cucumbers, carrots, avocados, pickled ginger, what-have you. Whatever you want to stuff this with.

I was an idiot and didn't go shopping for filling, so this is just cucumber slices and thinly sliced ginger root.

Don't listen to advice from me as to how to actually roll sushi. Listen to this lady. Again, this isn't authentic whatsoever, but it tastes good and it's good for you.

I find that the raw cauliflower "rice" is a pretty good substitute for sticky rice. I use lemon juice for a dipping sauce as I am allergic to soy, so I can't have gluten-free soy sauce. I fucked up when I made this, hence why I don't have a picture of the final product. It wasn't that bad, but I was hungry, so I was just like "Fuck it, it's a fucking burrito."

Peace, love, and seasonal fruit,

/bitchesloveproduce

bitches love dating

BitchesLoveProduce is in a relationship. Whaaaaat? This isn’t on her facebook. Oh my god. She’s in a relationship? Who could she possibly be in a relationship with? Whhhaaaaat? But … they don’t like … touch … in public. Whaaaaat?

Ok, internet, it’s okay for you to know I’m in a relationship. I just don’t think it’s necessary for everyone who likes my pictures of cats occasionally and that I occasionally also like their pictures of cats to be able to know my relationship status simply by checking the internet. That’s kinda weird.

So, remember the multitude of times I’ve stated that cross-contamination is a motherfucker? Well, this is one of the many reasons why. There’s much to say about dating.

If someone doesn’t respect your food choices, back away slowly

Somewhere along the line, people decided it was okay to judge one another on the basis of what food they eat. What you eat is going to have an impact on your health, and some diets are better suited for optimal health than others, but we’re all works in progress, so don’t be judging. That being said, if anyone ever gives you crap about your food choices whom you’re dating, that’s probably a sign that they will be controlling in other aspects of dating.

I had this shitty pathetic excuse for a relationship going on for a while when I was young and naïve and didn’t have self-worth and all that good stuff. This dude seriously thought it was okay for him to criticize the amount of food I ate and my vegan diet. There are ways you can bring up health with someone, but if someone ever judgmentally talks about diet, back away from that controlling bastard whilst slowly whispering “gluten free and not giving a fuck.”

Don’t be that judgmental prick.

Same goes for you. Just because you’re health-conscious doesn’t mean everyone else is ready for it. Some people can eat like crap all their lives and smoke a pack of day and miraculously be somewhat healthy. Not me. Probably not you. Get over it.

Now that that stuff’s out there:

Yelp that shit!

Look up “gluten-free” on yelp and find some restaurants that you can go to that you won’t have to call the manager over to talk about cross contamination because who wants to talk about cross contamination on a date? I don’t, and the person I’m seeing also fucking loves produce and fucking hates gluten.

Do not kiss someone who has been eating gluten or drinking beer

So, there’s someone I know. She has celiac disease. She was at this bar and was fucking trashed out of her mind and this group of euro-trash dudes old enough to be her dad start hitting on her and dancing with her, and one of them kisses her. She’s too drunk to really stop it, which borderline sexual assault at best, but this legitimately happens to a lot of people. Anyway, homegirl wakes up the next day short of breath with the shits. She got glutened from eurotrash-sugar-daddys! What the fuck?

Anyway, make homeboy/homegirl wash his or her mouth out. Eurotrash isn’t worth getting glutened.

Oh, and while I’m at it:

Don’t fucking share drinks! With anyone who eats gluten! Ever!

Leave food at their place … and a cutting board and a pan

If you’re staying over your significant others and you aren’t dating someone who fucking loves produce as much as you do and doesn’t have a gluten-free cutting board, go to IKEA and buy a cheap ass cutting board, knife, and non-stick pan and have homeboy/homegirl keep some shit in the freezer for you. If they want to get laid, they’ll do it.  

Do non-food related things

When I used to get asked out to dinner (you know, because I was getting asked out all the time… not really, but it happened), I would respond with “Thank you for the offer, but feeding me is kinda complicated, so would you like to get a cup of coffee?” Ok, so coffee is still kinda food, but it’s going to be gluten-free at the very least. Wait until then to bring it up. Also, this way you don’t have to awkwardly look at the bill and wonder who’s gonna pay (or am I the only one who thinks about this? Oh god, awkward) and if you want to make out with your date you don’t have to worry about their poison lips.

I’d like to take a moment to apologize to my morally upstanding friends. This blog can be a bit crude. 

breakfast cereal (jk cereal's kinda poison ya'know)

So, this is kind of like cereal. It's sort of sweet, it's brightly colored, I could advertize it as being high in fiber and low in sugar if I felt like selling it. It's not making anyone any money if you eat it, except maybe ten years from now when you don't have as many medical expenses, but that's another can of worms.

I really despise cereal companies, or really any company that sells food product only slightly better than poison to children. Why the hell is it socially acceptable to market a sugar-gluten-artificial-crap-laden-semi-food-product to children using cartoons? Why the hell is it socially acceptable to indoctrinate children into the industry of addictive food items with the pretense that it's "a part of a balanced breakfast"? I digress.

Anyway, this is what I had for breakfast this morning. I made it the night before as I'm not totally a morning person, so it really helps to already have breakfast and lunch made before I even go to sleep.

 

I had like no food left (produce-wise), so I winged this and it turned out delightfully.

 

I ate it sitting in front of my sun lamp because it's fucking cold in Chicago and I need UV light for vitamin D synthesis (and you do too!)

Ingredients:

-1 boneless, skinless chicken thigh
-1 cucumber
-1/3 to 1/2 a mango
-1/4 cup pineapple chunks

Directions:

1. Pan fry your chicken thigh until it is browned on both sides. Chop this into tiny pieces.
2. Chop your cucumber, mango, and pineapple into cubes. Put in a bowl. Mix with chicken.
3. Stick that in the fridge until you are ready to eat it.

bitches hate cross contamination

Hello lovely readers. I have been in Philadelphia for the last couple of days for Thanksgiving and I am here to share how to avoid cross-contamination with you because cross contamination is a motherfucker.

Hopefully my cats had enough to eat in my absence.

Anyway, sprinkled in with my anecdotes about Thanksgiving are my tips for avoiding gluten when you travel because no one likes to be a party pooper (literally).

1. Use tinfoil, goddamnit!

When you bake anything at anyone else's home, lay down tinfoil on their pans because unless they don't eat gluten, those pans are going to be covered in that shit.

Fortunately, one of my brothers made the turkey this year and I trust his gluten standards as he also eats none of that shit. All I had to do was prep my produce. For my appetizer, while my relatives ate crackers and other non-produce items, I had some kale chips. I've already poster about these.

2. Buy a disposable cutting board. 

Knives are normally kosher as far as cross-contamination is concerned, but cutting boards are normally covered with gluten. Go to a Wegmans, Walmart, what-have-you and buy a disposable cutting board. Your intestines will thank you.

My relatives thought I brought this to share. How cute. This salad:

1/2 head purple cabbage
1 granny smith apple
1 cucumber
1 avocado
1 lemon, juiced

I ate the turkey that my brother made and sat down with a serious bowl of salad. BITCHESLOVEPRODUCE.

3. Fuck "gluten-free" products.

For all you motherfuckers out there who actually have celiac disease, I'm sure it pisses you off to no end when bitches are like "Gluten free, more like flavor free herp derp derp derp I'm a fucking tool"

Some "gluten-free" products may not even be gluten-free, unless they are USDA labeled as such. I've never had problems with Trader Joe's brand anything, but...

I just thought that was brilliant. (I didn't make that; thank you reddit!) Anyway, I really feel like gluten-free products are intended for children and people transitioning and having trouble with food cravings. The first six months were hard; I'll give it that. Don't give any fucking tools and excuse to be fucking tools. This was my dessert. 

Recipe:
3 bananas
1 tablespoon cocoa powder
1 tablespoon slivered almonds
1/2 tablespoon honey

Mix that shit up.

4. Here are some things you don't need to worry about:
-nonstick pans 
-non-flavored coffee
-being a lush and nursing a glass of wine for the entirety of Thanksgiving
-fruit
-Boar's head cold cuts if you're in a pinch

5. Here's some shit you do need to worry about:
-nut butters. Yes, peanut butter, if you decidedly eat that shit, is gluten free, but the knife that your third cousin put in there after making a goddamn sandwich isn't.
-food at restaurants, even if the establishment has a gluten-free menu. I'll post more on this later.
-food from relatives, even if they desperately try to make you some gluten-free food.

6. Here's how to handle every stupid social situation you end up in because you don't give a fuck (DGAF=eat no goddamn gluten). 

Well-intentioned-but-uninformed-relative: I made this lovely dessert for you.
You: No thank you. I'm full.
Well-intentioned-but-uninformed-relative: It's gluten free! I made it just for you with my bare hands. Don't make my work for nothing!
You: (In mind: Oh god, she doesn't know shit about cross contamination and I don't want her to know my shit when I find that out! What do I do?)
Thank you so much for accommodating me, but I've gotten sick from the most well-intentioned people, so I'm going to have to pass. I'd really like this time to be about spending time with my family, not my food allergies. How is your food?
Well-intentioned-but-uninformed-relative: But, but, but...
You: Thank you for your understanding. 

Yeah, you just took social advice from me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

/bitchesloveproduce

raw vegan "ice cream" cake sundae

This shit is delicious. It tastes like a fucking sunday but it has no dairy, no eggs, no gluten, no additives or artificial chemicals, and no processed sweeteners.


Add 1/2 cup of dates, 1 oz hazelnuts or other nut/seed, 1 tablespoon raw cocoa and put it through a food processor until it looks like wet sand.

Now layer that shit with a frozen, ripe banana.

EAT.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING BITCHES

cleaning the kitchen out

Hey guys. So I was hungry and chilling in my apartment in Chicago when I realized I had SO MUCH produce in my fridge and I have a flight to Philadelphia tonight, and I do not love wasting produce.

I had 1 head of purple cabbage, one bunch of kale, 1 bunch of swiss chard, 3 cups of spinach, 3 grapefruits, 2 apples, 2 zucchinis and  ... 7 hours until my flight.

For this meal, took the kale, mixed it with a tablespoon of coconut oil and 1/4 tsp garlic salt and put it in the oven at 400 deg F for 15 minutes.

I was feeling kinda lazy, so I just served it with an apple and some chicken. I went to the grocery store, but I saw the long lines and decided that I should just defrost the chicken in my freezer.

I think I'm going to freeze the spinach for smoothies. I'm going to make a salad for my flight because I'm going to be in Midway for hours and eating will take up time. I'm gonna look crazy, but probably not as crazy as I've looked chilling in the Philadelphia airport eating a head of romaine lettuce with my bare hands.

This cat loves kale. Even my cats love produce.

swiss chard guacamole salad

Salad time.

Check out that swiss chard. Bitches love swiss chard.

1. Take a boneless, skinless chicken breast and chop it into bite sized pieces. Stick that shit in a pan with half a teaspoon of coconut oil. Let that shit brown.

2. Take 2 cups of beautiful red swiss chard and chop it finely.

4. Take a zucchini and chop it thinly.

5. Spiralize that granny smith apple.

6. Finely chop a cup of purple cabbage. I fucking love purple cabbage.

7. Scoop out the entirety of an avocado and juice a whole lime into your salad. Add 1/8 tsp garlic salt. Mix that shit up with your bare hands.

8. Mix your chicken in. Enjoy!

Ingredients:

1 boneless skinless chicken breast

1/2 tblsp coconut oil

2 cups red swiss chard

1 granny smith apple

1 zucchini

1 cup purple cabbage

1 avocado

1 lime

Directions:

1. Brown your chicken in a pan with your coconut oil. Chop into bite sized pieces.

2. Finely chop your swiss chard, zucchini, and cabbage. Put in the bowl.

3. Spiralize your granny smith apple.

4. Juice your lime into the salad.

5. Scoop out the flesh of an avocado into that salad. 

6. Add 1/8 tsp garlic salt. Blend with your hands.

7. Add the chicken and this shit is done!