bitches love dating

BitchesLoveProduce is in a relationship. Whaaaaat? This isn’t on her facebook. Oh my god. She’s in a relationship? Who could she possibly be in a relationship with? Whhhaaaaat? But … they don’t like … touch … in public. Whaaaaat?

Ok, internet, it’s okay for you to know I’m in a relationship. I just don’t think it’s necessary for everyone who likes my pictures of cats occasionally and that I occasionally also like their pictures of cats to be able to know my relationship status simply by checking the internet. That’s kinda weird.

So, remember the multitude of times I’ve stated that cross-contamination is a motherfucker? Well, this is one of the many reasons why. There’s much to say about dating.

If someone doesn’t respect your food choices, back away slowly

Somewhere along the line, people decided it was okay to judge one another on the basis of what food they eat. What you eat is going to have an impact on your health, and some diets are better suited for optimal health than others, but we’re all works in progress, so don’t be judging. That being said, if anyone ever gives you crap about your food choices whom you’re dating, that’s probably a sign that they will be controlling in other aspects of dating.

I had this shitty pathetic excuse for a relationship going on for a while when I was young and naïve and didn’t have self-worth and all that good stuff. This dude seriously thought it was okay for him to criticize the amount of food I ate and my vegan diet. There are ways you can bring up health with someone, but if someone ever judgmentally talks about diet, back away from that controlling bastard whilst slowly whispering “gluten free and not giving a fuck.”

Don’t be that judgmental prick.

Same goes for you. Just because you’re health-conscious doesn’t mean everyone else is ready for it. Some people can eat like crap all their lives and smoke a pack of day and miraculously be somewhat healthy. Not me. Probably not you. Get over it.

Now that that stuff’s out there:

Yelp that shit!

Look up “gluten-free” on yelp and find some restaurants that you can go to that you won’t have to call the manager over to talk about cross contamination because who wants to talk about cross contamination on a date? I don’t, and the person I’m seeing also fucking loves produce and fucking hates gluten.

Do not kiss someone who has been eating gluten or drinking beer

So, there’s someone I know. She has celiac disease. She was at this bar and was fucking trashed out of her mind and this group of euro-trash dudes old enough to be her dad start hitting on her and dancing with her, and one of them kisses her. She’s too drunk to really stop it, which borderline sexual assault at best, but this legitimately happens to a lot of people. Anyway, homegirl wakes up the next day short of breath with the shits. She got glutened from eurotrash-sugar-daddys! What the fuck?

Anyway, make homeboy/homegirl wash his or her mouth out. Eurotrash isn’t worth getting glutened.

Oh, and while I’m at it:

Don’t fucking share drinks! With anyone who eats gluten! Ever!

Leave food at their place … and a cutting board and a pan

If you’re staying over your significant others and you aren’t dating someone who fucking loves produce as much as you do and doesn’t have a gluten-free cutting board, go to IKEA and buy a cheap ass cutting board, knife, and non-stick pan and have homeboy/homegirl keep some shit in the freezer for you. If they want to get laid, they’ll do it.  

Do non-food related things

When I used to get asked out to dinner (you know, because I was getting asked out all the time… not really, but it happened), I would respond with “Thank you for the offer, but feeding me is kinda complicated, so would you like to get a cup of coffee?” Ok, so coffee is still kinda food, but it’s going to be gluten-free at the very least. Wait until then to bring it up. Also, this way you don’t have to awkwardly look at the bill and wonder who’s gonna pay (or am I the only one who thinks about this? Oh god, awkward) and if you want to make out with your date you don’t have to worry about their poison lips.

I’d like to take a moment to apologize to my morally upstanding friends. This blog can be a bit crude. 

bitches hate cross contamination

Hello lovely readers. I have been in Philadelphia for the last couple of days for Thanksgiving and I am here to share how to avoid cross-contamination with you because cross contamination is a motherfucker.

Hopefully my cats had enough to eat in my absence.

Anyway, sprinkled in with my anecdotes about Thanksgiving are my tips for avoiding gluten when you travel because no one likes to be a party pooper (literally).

1. Use tinfoil, goddamnit!

When you bake anything at anyone else's home, lay down tinfoil on their pans because unless they don't eat gluten, those pans are going to be covered in that shit.

Fortunately, one of my brothers made the turkey this year and I trust his gluten standards as he also eats none of that shit. All I had to do was prep my produce. For my appetizer, while my relatives ate crackers and other non-produce items, I had some kale chips. I've already poster about these.

2. Buy a disposable cutting board. 

Knives are normally kosher as far as cross-contamination is concerned, but cutting boards are normally covered with gluten. Go to a Wegmans, Walmart, what-have-you and buy a disposable cutting board. Your intestines will thank you.

My relatives thought I brought this to share. How cute. This salad:

1/2 head purple cabbage
1 granny smith apple
1 cucumber
1 avocado
1 lemon, juiced

I ate the turkey that my brother made and sat down with a serious bowl of salad. BITCHESLOVEPRODUCE.

3. Fuck "gluten-free" products.

For all you motherfuckers out there who actually have celiac disease, I'm sure it pisses you off to no end when bitches are like "Gluten free, more like flavor free herp derp derp derp I'm a fucking tool"

Some "gluten-free" products may not even be gluten-free, unless they are USDA labeled as such. I've never had problems with Trader Joe's brand anything, but...

I just thought that was brilliant. (I didn't make that; thank you reddit!) Anyway, I really feel like gluten-free products are intended for children and people transitioning and having trouble with food cravings. The first six months were hard; I'll give it that. Don't give any fucking tools and excuse to be fucking tools. This was my dessert. 

Recipe:
3 bananas
1 tablespoon cocoa powder
1 tablespoon slivered almonds
1/2 tablespoon honey

Mix that shit up.

4. Here are some things you don't need to worry about:
-nonstick pans 
-non-flavored coffee
-being a lush and nursing a glass of wine for the entirety of Thanksgiving
-fruit
-Boar's head cold cuts if you're in a pinch

5. Here's some shit you do need to worry about:
-nut butters. Yes, peanut butter, if you decidedly eat that shit, is gluten free, but the knife that your third cousin put in there after making a goddamn sandwich isn't.
-food at restaurants, even if the establishment has a gluten-free menu. I'll post more on this later.
-food from relatives, even if they desperately try to make you some gluten-free food.

6. Here's how to handle every stupid social situation you end up in because you don't give a fuck (DGAF=eat no goddamn gluten). 

Well-intentioned-but-uninformed-relative: I made this lovely dessert for you.
You: No thank you. I'm full.
Well-intentioned-but-uninformed-relative: It's gluten free! I made it just for you with my bare hands. Don't make my work for nothing!
You: (In mind: Oh god, she doesn't know shit about cross contamination and I don't want her to know my shit when I find that out! What do I do?)
Thank you so much for accommodating me, but I've gotten sick from the most well-intentioned people, so I'm going to have to pass. I'd really like this time to be about spending time with my family, not my food allergies. How is your food?
Well-intentioned-but-uninformed-relative: But, but, but...
You: Thank you for your understanding. 

Yeah, you just took social advice from me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

/bitchesloveproduce